I said "One small cafe con leche with two sugars and a decaf." He asked "Sugar?" and I said sugar in the con leche but not the decaf. He walks to the coffee machines and starts the laborious process of freshly brewing coffee just for me. He bangs the machine, cleans something, adds coffee, turns on the machine, grabs the machine and fiercely jerks it. He removes the small coffee brewer and pours hot coffee into a small white Styrofoam cup. He then added the milk and sugar and then put on a ilid. He placed the cup in front of me. He looked at me whereupon I asked where the decaf was. He said "We only have decaf for con leche decaf." I replied I did not want the decaf con leche, only the decaf. He removed the coffee can from the shelf over the coffee machines as if to prove to me that he did indeed have decaf coffee. But then he said they do not sell decaf coffee, only decaf con leche.
Since I ordered exactly the same thing the day before with no trouble at all, I was perplexed by my inability to get it a day later. I did not lose my cool. Instead, I remembered how Jack Nicholson dealt with a similar situation many years ago in the movie Five Easy Pieces. Jack Nicholson's character (Dupea) was in a diner and tried to order plain wheat toast which wass not on the menu but which could easily be made.
- Dupea: I'd like a plain omelet, no potatoes, tomatoes instead, a cup of coffee, and wheat toast.
- Waitress: No substitutions.
- Dupea: What do you mean? You don't have any tomatoes?
- Waitress: Only what's on the menu. You can have a number two - a plain omelette. It comes with cottage fries and rolls.
- Dupea: Yeah, I know what it comes with. But it's not what I want.
- Waitress: Well, I'll come back when you make up your mind.
- Dupea: Wait a minute. I have made up my mind. I'd like a plain omelet, no potatoes on the plate, a cup of coffee, and a side order of wheat toast.
- Waitress: I'm sorry, we don't have any side orders of toast...an English muffin or a coffee roll.
- Dupea: What do you mean you don't make side orders of toast? You make sandwiches, don't you?
- Waitress: Would you like to talk to the manager?
- Dupea: ...You've got bread and a toaster of some kind?
- Waitress: I don't make the rules.
- Dupea: OK, I'll make it as easy for you as I can. I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.
- Waitress: A number two, chicken sal san, hold the butter, the lettuce and the mayonnaise. And a cup of coffee. Anything else?
- Dupea: Yeah. Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.
- Waitress: You want me to hold the chicken, huh?
- Dupea: I want you to hold it between your knees.
- Waitress: Do you see that sign, sir? Yes, you'll all have to leave. I'm not taking any more of your smartness and sarcasm.
- Dupea: You see this sign? [He sweeps all the water glasses and menus off the table]
